Thursday, June 29, 2017

Superhero’s Guide to Decorating Your Apartment

So, my mortal chum … you’ve grown tired of your humble home and wish to ascend to a more god-like living environment. Well, you could take a journey upon the Rainbow Bridge and see if there are any one-bedrooms available up in Asgard. But I wouldn’t be too hopeful; waiting for vacancies can take a long time in a place where everyone lives forever. So your best bet is to follow these epic decorating tips, delivered to us straight from Thor himself. They’ll transform your apartment into a home fit for a god of Thunder and all his superhero friends!


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The Living Room

When visitors first enter Asgard, they are overcome by its epic majesty and weep with ecstasy. Visitors should feel the exact same way when entering your apartment. Start with a rainbow-colored doormat to recreate the experience of traveling upon the Rainbow Bridge. If possible, the doormat should contain all the colors in creation as well as some new ones, never before seen by human eyes. From there, you’ll want all the standard living room accoutrements, with a slight Asgardian twist. Replace your old IKEA coffee table with one handcrafted by elven blacksmiths. It will be a few million tons heavier, but it comes in one piece so you won’t have to deal with any confusing assembly manuals. Swap out your dingy old couch for a throne made of solid gold; it may sound uncomfortable, but it’s still easier to sleep on than your average pull-out sofa. Decorate the walls with the heads of all the monsters you have slain. Just make sure they’re properly framed and mounted. (You’re not in college anymore; no more sticking monster head to the wall with tape.) Finally, make sure you have an awesome entertainment system setup, because if you can’t slay your friends in combat, you may as well slay them in “Call of Duty.”

The Kitchen

The gods of Asgard are known for their epic feasts, which can span days or even weeks. You probably don’t have the appliances or the appetite needed to host a meal like that, but you can still make your guests feel as if they’ve eaten like a god. Make sure you have a large oak table at the center of your dining area, perfect for hosting all your biggest, burliest friends. Upgrade to an industrial-sized freezer so you can keep your meat fresh (newly caught wild boar is a hit at any dinner party). Invest in enchanted cutlery to slice through any enchanted foods you may acquire on your journeys, and cook them in a newly installed wood-burning stove (smoke is the only way to truly bring out the flavors of enchanted foods). And stock your cabinets high with mugs ready to be smashed! How else will your guests be able to show their appreciation for your fine feast?

The Bedroom

Every superhero requires an adequate resting chamber where he can recharge his superpowers over a good night’s sleep. And whether your superpowers involve hurling a magic hammer or hurling after a long night of partying, you’ll want a bedroom that makes eight hours feel like you’ve slept for all eternity. A bed frame carved from the wood of the mythical Yggdrasil tree will be strong enough to endure any tossing and turning you may do at night, and a comforter made from the hide of a giant wolf will keep you warm and cozy while letting all intruders know you are not to be trifled with (because you’re sleeping under the mane of a monster you killed). Put some fun glow-in-the-dark planet decals on your ceiling to help remind you of your home across the cosmos as you drift asleep, and mount a hook next to your bed so you have a place to hang your hammer every night. Finally, invest in a nicely sized walk-in closet. As a superhero, you’ll need space for both your costumes and your alter-ego clothing.

The Bathroom

Gods have no need for your foul, human bodily functions. But you do, so make sure you have a room to deal with them. Plate your toilet with gold so your bare bottom need not suffer the indignity of touching porcelain, the most dishonorable of all ceramics. You’ll also want a shower/bathtub combo. The shower is for when you’re late and need to get clean quick for work. The bathtub is for when you need to submerge yourself in holy water so you can have a vision of the future. Don’t forget a fun shower curtain to liven up the room!

Parking Spot

As a superhero, you’re just going to be flying around and crash-landing into the ground, so let your property manager know in advance that your parking spot is just going to be a giant crater.

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